Effective Communication 
Characters:

Mr. Wallbrick (store manager, board chairman) 
Rod Biggs (Marketing man 1) 
Wanda Johnson (Marketing man 2)
Jim (Mullet)
Lurlene (Mullet's Wife)
Fletcher (Skeptical Co-Worker) 


Scene
Int: Meeting Room of SAVE-MART's head office and
original store on a typical Monday morning. Staff is trying to devise a
way to increase sales and get in touch with their customers once again.
Mayhem ensues!! 
 

Mr. Wallbrick- (sighs) I don't know what to say. I  feel as though we've 
gone wrong somewhere and  lost touch with our  customers, but where? How do we get them to feel connected to SAVE-MART again? Any
ideas? 
 
(WB looks around the room; staff look awkardly at  each other)
Wallbrick-WELL???
(still no response) 
 
Wallbrick- Hmm....(with a commanding tone) BIGGS! JOHNSON! 
(Biggs and Johnson look up shockingly) > 
Wallbrick-I hear you've been dealing especially in this matter! Tell us
what you've got to say.... 
 
Biggs-(nervously) w-well we do have some ideas,  but....umm... 
 
Johnson-we don't have a full report ready as of  yet...uhhh..... 
 
Wallbrick-Well you have SOMETHING right?? 
 
(B and J nod nervously) 
 
Wallbrick-(satisfied) Good! Well, show us what you've got.....slide on up 
to the front and lay it on us! 
 
(B and J move towards a chart stand and hold up their semi-finished report 
while Wallbrick reclines in readiness) 
 
Biggs-Ahem...Well, as you know, we have been trying  to understand how and  why we've lost touch with our customers...... 
 
Johnson-And in order to do so we've tried to see  just who our customers 
are--what they look like, what they drive, where  they live, how they 
interact and most importantly...what they buy... 
 
(while J talks B flips through a chart revealing a  mullet and missingteef, 
a beat up old truck and a Chevy Astro, a run-down  shack and a mobile home,  beer, cigarettes, lottery tickets, sexual positions,  guns, honky-tonks and  bonfires; coworkers murmur in approval) 
 
Biggs-We feel we've established a target market,  however we've had one small  problem... 
Biggs/Johnson-EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
(biggs shows this on the chart) 
 
Biggs-Through " Effective Communication" we can get a better feel for our  target market... 
 
Johnson-...anticipating their shopping needs.... 
 
Biggs-..Making for a much more friendly, personable,  enjoyable shopping 
experience. 
 
Wallbrick-(musing) Effective communication....hmm....So far I like what I'm 
hearing (leans in smiling)Tell me a bit more about  this "Effective 
Communication" 
 
Biggs-(a bit more comfortably) You see, " Effective Communication" is the 
key to understanding what a customer wants or  needs.... 
 
Johnson-However our team players just don't know how  to put "Effective 
Communication" to good use.... 
 
Wallbrick-Why do you suppose this has become such a 
problem? 
 
Biggs-To be truthful, the reason why our team players can't use "Effective Communication" wisely is because..... 
 
Johnson-(sighs) They just can't understand a word  our customers say 
 
(meeting murmurs more in slight confusion and  anticipation) 

Biggs-And because of that, the needs of the customer  aren't met (over the murmurs) 
 
Wallbrick-That's quite a problem. I didn't realize > there was such a 
communication barrier. Any solutions? 
 
Johnson-We've had a few ground-level discussions... 
 
Biggs-And we came up with a list of what we think  are the more commonly 
misunderstood words and phrases our customers use 
every day... 
 
Johnson-Please keep in mind this IS just a theory,  but we believe we've got 
an understanding of what some of these words and phrases mean. Ahem.... 
 
(Biggs flips chart to reveal first word) 
 
Johnson-Take for example, the word "Yesserday"  (meaning yesterday) 
We feel that "Yesserday" is actually meant to be 
"Yes, Sir Day"...meaning that our average customer wants us to be of our most  agreeable dispositions, and they want a day for exactly that purpose. 
 
Biggs-So we've deemed Wednesdays our "Yes Sir!"  day...anything the customer  wants, we'll give it to them with a big "YES 
SIR!"...or ma'am depending on  their gender...of...course...ahem 
 
Wallbrick-interesting....go on.... 
 
(Biggs moves to the next word....he does this throughout the rest of the  meeting) 
 
Johnson-Well then there's the word Fil-m (film)....We feel this could mean 
that customers are dissatisfied with how empty our  shelves are and they want 
us to perhaps "Fill-em" up with quality American  merchandise made in Canada  (beaming with patriotic pride)

Wallbrick-Of COURSE! Fill-em up!! why wouldn't  anyone want to see our
shelves full easy-access products at ridiculously low prices??? I'm liking 
what I'm hearing!!


Biggs-If you liked those ideas, well I guess we saved the best for last!!

Wallbrick-Indeed!! Well, I'm all ears....do continue!! (relaxed and self-satisfied)

Biggs-One of the biggest misunderstandings came with the term...ummm....(whispering to Johnson) how do you pronounce it?? Oh, right....CUPIN (coupon)

Wallbrick-CUPIN???

Johnson-Exactly! CUPIN: A Q-shaped pin that seems to be very popular with our female customers and the like...ahem...

Biggs-With the Q-Pin, people who have had a long association with the letter Q in any respect can now proudly wear a Q-Pin wherever they go, knowing that they are backed by their friendly, neighbourhood SAVE-MART

Wallbrick-I think you lost me....AND the rest of the meeting....better get yourselves back on track and I mean SOON!!

Johnson-Of course....

Wallbrick-Now what is the big deal with this....Q-Pin, anyways??

Johnson-Well, anyone who has some kind of asociation with the letter Q, be it the name Quimby or Quagmire or even Queen...even royalty has to shop somewhere, right? Why not have them shop here? Where we allow people of
all statures to save on thousands of items every day???

Wallbrick-Do you honestly think you could get the Queen to shop here???

Biggs-I'm sure we could get queens of ALL sorts to shop at OUR store (cheesy laugh)

Johnson-yyyyes, well....now that we've taken care of Q-Pin.....perhaps we should move on to the next theory...

Wallbrick-Being????

Biggs-One of our biggest sellers is our garden department, and people have been CRYING out for more bat-trees....SO....how do we IMPROVE on our garden department sales???

Wallbrick-ahhhh, this sounds like your best idea yet!! (hearty chuckle) I certainly hope you've managed to find some bat-trees at a decent price...they sound quite exotic and.....expensive...(gulp)

Johnson-well we couldn't find any REAL bat-trees, but everyone we've talked to says they're something different each time so we just took a few old ferns
and some bats that we found outside the store and VOILA...new product and the problem of supply and demand is solved!!

Biggs-I've always admired your initiative...

Johnson-Why THANK you Rod.

Biggs-(blushing) you're welcome....(gulp) Wanda...AHEM....they'll be in by next week to say the least

Meeting Skeptic-Are you sure they might not have meant, BATTERIES????

(Johnson and Biggs laugh)

Johnson-Why Fletcher I thought you of all people would know that anything to do with batteries is quite self-explanatory!!

(Fletcher blushes and withdraws in his seat)

Wallbrick-Good, Good....anything else??

Biggs-That's it for the misconstrued words, however we HAVE stumbled upon a few other items that need to be discussed such as use of carts...

Johnson-people aren't interested in carrying their items in carts it seems....they'd prefer to carry them in baskets or perhaps in baby buggies

Biggs-A lot of our customers DO buy a lot of infants wear and diapers

Johnson-BIG diaper sales (makes huge sign quietly)

Wallbrick-Are you sure that isn't going to decrease sales by any chance?? Less space in the cart means less items...

Johnson-Oh sure...today....but they'll come back the next day when their hands aren't so full because there's always something going on at our friendly,
neighbourhood "SAVE-MART"

Wallbrick-I see...what about THAT word??

(points to peepoe--meaning people)

Biggs-that's one of the few things we haven't been able to figure out as of yet....

Johnson-but we've got someone working on it round the clock, we promise (fake smile, nervous laughter)

Wallbrick-I see...

Biggs-Our last two items will please you I'm sure...

Wallbrick-Everything else seems to be a winning idea...let's hear what you've got Johnson-ahem...We've also learned on ground-level discussions that there are key people to look out for...they're named "mullets" and "missingteefs"

Biggs-As far as we can tell..."mullets" are primarily female shoppers who can't quite decide on what to buy...they "mull" things over a bit too much...

Johnson-we thought that maybe a room designed specifically for mullets to think things over in comfort might help them out a bit....let them filter
out those thoughts so to speak....

Biggs-we're calling it....The Mullet Filter

(a shifty-looking co-worker starts laughing under his breath as people look on....he coughs as a way of covering his reaction)

Johnson-aaaaanyways for mullets I'm sure this will allow them to focus better on more pleasant shopping experiences

Wallbrick-I like it, I really do....now you've got me intrigued as to what this "missingteefs" is.....

Biggs-Any customer who is missing their teefs (whatever they may be...another part of the report we're waiting for) can have them paged on the intercom
with our new "Code Teefs" allow Wanda here to demonstrate

Johnson-(picks up the phone and makes a page) Code Teefs, Code Teefs, We have missingteefs in the store...if you find them please return them to the
mullets at the front entrance

Wallbrick-FANTASTIC!!! you sound as if you've really done your research!! I want to see this all put onto a video and incorporated into store policy as soon as...

(Jim and Lurlene burst through the door...Jim, redneck wearing a wife-beater, a mullet, thick moustache and missingteef interrupts the meeting sporting a
frowning, sad-looking redneck with a shirt/stretch pant set that's two sizes too small for her, tammy-rocker hair that's gone frizzy and a cart load
of diapers and dirty children)

Jim-Hey Buddy!! Got any bat-trees?? Lurlene and I've looked from Mon-D til yesserday and we can't find any anywhere, Fuck! This is G-D Garbeege!!

Biggs-Amazing!

Wallbrick-Hmm??

Johnson-We were told that our customers only had a limited range of 3-5 words per sentence but THIS....this is quite amazing!!!

Lurlene-You say something??!! I got CUPINS for all this shit you know (child starts crying) SHUT UP!!! GEEZ!!

Wallbrick-(first a speechless look and finally a smile covers his whole face) well sir, ma'am, I think we may be able to help you with your problem...now
what are you looking for?

Jim-Bat-tries. Fil-m

Wallbrick-Don't you worry, sir, we'll find some bat-trees for you faster than you can say Yes, Sir on yesserday!! We've got Tons of bat-tries on our
newly-filled shelves next to our new-cuulers

(Jim and Lurlene look at eachother with confused looks on their faces)

Lurlene-I've got Q-Pins for everything you know...they better go through, dammit!!

Wallbrick-Certainly!! Q-Pins for EVERYONE!!

(Jim, Lurlene and Wallbrick all walk out of the meeting room as Biggs and Johnson fall back in their chairs...a sigh of relief on their faces)

FIN